hopefully gonna get one at stop&shop. i filled out an application online last night so maybe ill get a job. i need one badly. it'll keep me busy, make money, maybe itll help? i dont know. i never write in here and i still have nothing really to say. im at my dads and its boring and it sucks. i have to come her for easter too...maybe i can get him to just let me come saterday instead...i dont want to be stuck her for another holiday...i want to be with MY family, not his. whatever. i passed my drivers test with a 94, i was really surprised..well, its cool. my internet still wont work, i miss my internet and computer. it makes me sad. at least i can get internet here. =/

lately i felt so weird, more than usual that is. i started crying hysterically when i got home cause i couldnt eat since some dude was working in the kitchen. i flipped out to the point i was on the floor. i feel like im going crazy lately and its been a couple months that my behavior has gotten really bad. im to the point where i dont care about my grades in school, i eat way too much cause its my only comfort, i have no clue what my orientation is and im going crazy over it and its constantly on my mind now when for the past couple years i just ignored it and now i just cant anymore especailly when my friends know now, im tired of going to my fucking fathers house, andrews dating someone now, i never talk when im home and my mom constantly bugs me about it and i want to say yeah i may be gay but with howard and all, i dont want them knowing cause howard already hates me enough already, and its just like everythings wrong and i hate it, and i just wanna give up. im constantly sleeping, always tired, always fatigued. its horrible. i dont know, maybe part of it is depression? i dont know. i just always feel like crap now. i just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up again. and when i do sleep randomly i usually just am sitting or studying or doing homework or something and ill just fall over and and hour later i wake up with a pounding head ache. theres something wrong with me. i just wish all of the sadness and depression and everything would just go away and i wish i could figure out if im attracted to girls and guys or just girls or whatever. im tired of not knowing. its taking a toll on me and im just like falling apart, again. i thought id be happy again..

it was soo fun. we ran around being stupid. haha. tried on dresses and 2 fit! one was so cute but it was too dressy, and it looked like i was in playboy so i didnt get it. haha. instead me and liz got really cute sequin dresses! (i totally spelled that wrong..) & they're really pretty but i wish i got those red and black pumps...oh well. it wouldve looked awesome with the oufit though. maybe next time. they'll be gone by then though..=[ oh well. & we got amandas dress and accessories and liz got her dress and like 3 others. haha. it was cool. did i mention that our sequin dresses were only five bucks when they were originally 85? yeah, pretty amazing, i was happy. haha. and i got an AFI cd and bon jovi cd. yupp. and we had pizza. i didnt get corey a present though..so ill make a card. lmao. me and amanda couldnt think of anything. & the lady at the pretty expensive dress store, said that i looked like a manican..haha. it was a complement. she liked how good my dkin looked and how i did my make up. so i was all like yayyy. yeah. the end.

& me and liz are gonna match on tuesday and wear our sequin dresses, mhmm. hers is silver and mines blackkk. =] hahaha. we're so freaking cool.

its so weird how my horoscopes are always right. it creeps me out. eveyr time it relates to me, i dont know. ive been reading mine everyday for the past few weeks and it always helps me. im such a dork.

amandas picking me up to go to the mall today! yay. it should be fun. we're gonna have pizza and get a dress and shoes for her rotc dance, i cant wait. hah. & im gonna try and stuff too for fun. & liz is coming too so its gonna be cool. we need to get corey's birthday present today too if we can find one that is...hopefully. yeah, thats about it. nothing really going on in my life except my dads an asshole, and so is the damn judge. but hey, we already knew that..ugh. i hate them. & my moms getting her back surgery in a month. im nervous..

valentines yesterday wasnt so bad, ive been fine now. i was surprised, ive been doing so much better now. =] & i even have crushes on people. lol. well, one person now, im so stupid. haha. but we're not gonna talk about that.

was today, it was ok. afternoon me, mommy, and vic went out to get his presents from each of us. & i got myself my HIM CD. yay. i was happy. im listening to them all the time again. hah. um i made him cake and got him a CD he had wanted. and we had ice cream cake and i ate tons of food and now i feel disgusting from eating so much. but thats ok cause ill start dieting soon, hopefully. ><

i wanted to go to the mall tomorrow but asshole wont drive me. ugh. im stuck at his house the whole day now, and i was feeling soo much better not having to see him for the past two weeks. im gonna start looking for a job soon though. so i wont have to be thee as much. but i really want to start working so i can make some money, hopefully i can find somewhere that'll hire me when im not yet 16. maybe i can convince them. im gonna talk to the people in person so it looks better and maybe they'll hire me? we'll see. my moms taking me out somtime this week so we're gonna go to a bunch of stores and get applications and such, and i need to get working papers. yeah. i really want a job.

im disappointed but i guess i did good. my GPA is 4.125. it sucks, the final lowered it. i had for the past three marking periods, 4.5, 4.375, and 4.25. so yeah, finals i guess brought it down, and my final grades were 3 A's and an A+. i wanted all A+'s. oh well, ill try to do better this semester. my mom said im being too hard on myself but whatever. i just noticed on my final report card from last year that i was in the top 17% of my class so i think thats pretty good and i was only getting like 4.0's so hopefully i can be closer to the top 10% this year and the next.

my friend rob wants me thinks i should go to new york with him since he does modeling, he says i could do it too, i wanna go but i doubt my mom will let me...i gotta try to convine her. and of course shed come with me. maybe she'll let me someday soon. i know i wouldnt be able to this saturday though so yeah another weekend.

I did it all just for her
I did it all just for her
And love's heart is death
For me and my poison girl

A prey she was for the cruelty of love
While its serpent inside crawled straight towards her heart
The coldest kiss love ceased to exist
While we grew apart like never before

I did it all just for her
I did it all just for her
And love wants us dead
Just me and my poison girl

the fire in her eyes
grew dim and then died
as the poison inside
reached her heart

And the coldest kiss
faith ceased to exist
as we grew apart
like never before

I did it all just for her
I did it all just for her
And love's heart is death
For me and my poison girl

And the taste of the poison on her lips is of a tomb

I did it all just for her
I did it all just for her
And love wants us dead
Just me and my poison girl

I did it all just for her
I did it all just for her
And love's heart is death
For me and my poison girl

And love's heart is death
For me and my poison girl
In this poison world

i had a feeling id have andrew in one of my classes, i just had that gut feeling and it was right. he's in my gym and drivers ed. for some reason i want him there cause i miss him and miss just seeing him, but at the same time, im actually finally starting to get over him and then i saw him and i got this pain in my chest and i was just like, no way. he walked past me and it just felt so weird, i tried looking at him but its like my heads forced down. i dont know, it was a horrible feeling, i dont know what im gonna do for the semester..
all my classes pretty much seem to suck. lovely. ugh. i wish school was over. im gonna go take a bath, it may help relieve all this damn stress and sadness. =/

i dont know myself lately. ive been having so many dreams and im just so confused about who i am lately. i wish i could figure all of this out. im gonna miss everyone from 1st semester, it really sucks. & who knows if ill see some people ever again. =/

i havent updated in a while so i figured i would. so much stress lately with the end of the semester and finals coming up. it sucks. i really do not want to go to next semester, i like my classes right now. =/ im gonna miss people.

hm. i lost 3 pounds, thats cool. oh god i have nothing to write about, oh yeah, dont have to see my dad for the next to weekends. =] its awesome. i dont have to freak out over going there. ive been having so many panic attacks lately i guess from all the stress and everything, i dont know. i keep breaking down and i have no patience for everyone around me whatsoever. yeah, it sucks. i hope i can finish all my art projects in time, im gonna freak if i dont. who knows what ill do. i feel like im going nuts. and ive been dreaming about him again, for like a week now, i hate them. he hates me in every single one of them and i dont know why. i hope i stop having them soon. my mom saw him when she went to the pet store in the afternoon, she said she saw him with a friend, i dont know. it kinda made me wish i was with her so i could at least be able to see him for a second. i dont know im so stupid, still not completely over him and its been like 2 1/2 months, but at least i have some crushes on people, i guesss thats good? somewhat..i dont know. im so fucking confused.

rock of love tonighttt. hahah. im so wierd. & i never feel like wrinting in here lately.

all i did today was do chores and watch like every episode of americas next top model. haha. i liked that season & i wanted seliesha to win, i was happy. ^^ haha. im a dork.

tomorrows gonna suck.

today would've been our 2 year. i was in a pissy mood most of the day, whatever. i feel like crap. eh, i dont know. sucky day. gonna fail that science test tomorrow. =/ i cant concentrate.

went to dads today, sucked. did project. then ate chinese food and dana called while eating and said she was coming over. :) she came over about an hour or so later and i hugged her and my eyes started to get all watery but i held it back. i was so happy to see her, didnt really realize how much i missed her till i saw her. she looked so beautiful, even though im not too into the tattoo's but her body looks great and she does her make up perfect and she just looked fantastic, couldnt stop looking at her. haha. but really, i was so happy to see her. i was so mad at her for a while, because she just left, and i had thought shed come back, but she never did, and it really upset me how she had never met andrew and i dont know. i just got so mad at her but thats gone now, ive gotta put that behind me cause i was just being stupid. i didnt have my christmas present for her cause i thought she wasnt coming so ill have to give it to her next time i see her.

tomorrow aunt kim and uncle sal and all the kids were supposed to come over but i dont know if its still happening since they didnt call to definetly confirm it like aunt kim had said shed do. i feel so bad for my mom, i really hope they come, i dont want her to be disappointed and i really want to see everyone. =/

but i have to go, it isnt fair. this sucks.

i miss him a lot lately, and i cant seem to stop thinking about him. pathetic huh? i guess its just the holidays though..without him. but im ok.

went to the mall today. got a new shirt, skirt, purse, and wallet after returning my other stuff and tomorrow we're returning more stuff and getting leggings and maybe another shirt. i feel so depressed lately..i have to start my diet sometime this week..

i havent updated in a while so quick little summaries:

christmas eve: wanted to shoot myself. spent 6 hours at father's house. hated it. i dont want to go there again and got crappy presents, so nothing good came out of it.

christmas: alright, cute skirts, shirts, returning a lot of stuff but hey, i get to shop. got my samurai x movies which were amazing, the story makes more sense now. cool.

day after christmas: i forget, day went by too quick.

today: boring, girl scout meeting, kids are cute, only half of them were there. but hey it was quiet so thats cool.

yeah thats it. i really need to do my project soon and read that stupid book.